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“Social” Drinking

By Anitya     

This post probably is not going to make me popular, but I feel that it’s something that I should post anyway.

I would like to place it in context though, not because I am afraid or worried about annoying people or hurting their feelings, but because I believe it is important to know where I am coming from to have an idea about what I am trying to say.

When I first entered the clinic almost 18 months ago I determined I was not going to be like some of the people I had met that had quit smoking. You probably know the kind: selfrightious crusaders that have seen the light and now feel it is their duty to convert mankind to the healthy lifestyle they now have chosen for themselves. Not to mention them forcing being a bloody nuisance at parties and especially developing that irritating and smug attitude with which they enforce their smokefree habitat by oh so politely coughing whenever a whiff of smoke nears their nostrils.

In short, going from one extreme to the other and forcing people to adapt their entire life to what basically is my problem.

So, this article is not about that. I’m not about to say you can or can’t do things, that’s entirely up to you. I am however going to point to an issue that I feel needs addressing, which is the seriously misplaced social connotation that alcohol has in our society.

What do I mean by this?

Basically I am pointing to the fact that a lot of people seem to be unable to enter a formal social occasion anymore without there at least being a few drinks. It’s everywhere.

Ending the week with collegues: drink, meeting a friend: drink, having completed an assignment: drink, having a dinner with someone: drink.

Now, in itself this is not a problem. The problem arises when people can’t celebrate properly anymore without it. And I see this more and more. Somehow people seem to feel that such an occasion isn’t “complete” when there isn’t a drink in sight.

I know of more than a few people who have serious problems going to birthday parties if they are unable to drink. They will go, sure, but not after having very serious discussions about it and then basically feeling miserable and out of sorts all evening. I know a lot of people who cannot celebrate something good without ordering a beer.

These are “normal” people, who aren’t considered addicts. They don’t binge, don’t visit the pub normally and don’t exhibit any signs of having a problem with alcohol. Yet they feel out of sorts without a drink at positive occasions.

So why am I writing this?

Two reasons:

One is purely for myself. I feel that one of the reasons I still have to justify my non-drinking to people (which is patently absurd) is because of this attitude. Some people still seem to think that my life has become terribly boring now that I don’t drink anymore and ask me “how I cope”. I spend lots of time getting rid of the connections between alcohol and fun, because the connection is arbitrary. That’s hard to do when people around you keep reinforcing the original connection because they don’t see it in themselves. It’s hard for me to hear people say “Let’s have a drink, we deserve it”. It makes me feel left out of the loop and basically it’s not fair. There is no other way to put it, because it isn’t. So reason one is anger, and feeling left out. I’m tired of being judged over something by people who don’t see the seeds of the same thing in themselves. I shouldn’t have to, and I won’t. I still am trying to figure out how to deal with it, though.

The other reason is worry. Ever since leaving the clinic I see more and more people who are on some level dependent on drink. That’s not a nice conclusion, but I feel it’s a true one nonetheless. The basic test is whether you can do without, and loads of people don’t pass that test. However we may try to disguise it, whatever kind of justification we may concoct, the basic bare fact is that alcohol is a crutch to survive for lots of people. Even in situations where you don’t need that crutch at all.I feel that that is something that we should look in the eye and try to deal with.

In the end, it’s people’s own choice of course. It’s not destroying their lives in a big way, it’s just nibbling away at the edges. I just feel that one should be honest to oneself. But that’s me.

So, on that inconclusive note, I wish you a good day.

Spring is in the Air

By Anitya     

That’s great to start with!

I’m so happy we are having a few good sunny days. I really am influenced quite badly by dark gloomy weather, but the last few days cheered me up immensely.

On an even happier note, for the last few weeks I’ve noticed a change in me that I am very happy with: I seem to have lost craving.

That’s right! For the last few weeks I have hardly had any moment of craving for drink. It’s not that I have been working on it, it just doesn’t seem to be on my mind anymore.

In fact, it was so much not on my mind that I first noticed it a week back or so.

I can’t say how wonderful that realisation was for me. I know that it means I will have to invest in keeping on my toes, but it’s wonderful to be FREE for a while!

It’s impossible to convey the feeling it gives me, but there you go: I’m happy and proud.

Enjoy the spring, I will.

Positive Thoughts

By Anitya     

This week we have been working with positive daily mottos at work.

The idea is that apart from the other practices we do during work you formulate a positive motto to work with during a particular day.

I must say that I liked working with them.

The first two days were hard, because I started making the motto into another goal to reach. So that naturally led to me becoming stressed out and depressed when I didn’t live up to the “positivity” I wanted to achieve.

But after that I started using the motto “breathe out, let go” as my thought for the day.

That worked very well. As already said many many many times, I’m a perfectionist and this motto suited me. Things go well enough as they are at the moment, so there is not much else to do than just do them and enjoy.

Today I added “be content” to it, just to emphasise that aspect of my motto, so I now have worked with “breathe out, let go and be content”.

It works for me, and that’s what matters.

Positive mottos can help, I think, but there is a danger to do what I did the first days and make it into somekind of contest with yourself to reach yet another goal. I think this goes especially for people who feel they have something to prove, and doubly so for those with low selfesteem.

I remember hearing some psychologist did a study that showed that most self help programs that use positive thoughts actually can have a very bad effect of the last group. It works for a few days and then normal negative patterns set in. People end up feeling even worse about themselves because they even fail at positive thinking!

So I think that when using the method it’s important to keep a light touch. The thought is there as a reminder, not a command. It’s also worth noting that you can change it during the day if it doesn’t work for you. Nobody is forcing you to stick to it, although that can be revealing to do as an experiment.

In short, it’s been a good week and I’m looking forward to next one. We’re currently rebuilding our bookshop. The manly men have just knocked a non supporting wall out and I think it’s going to look very nice.

Have a good day!

Anitya’s Buddhist Blog

Weblog by an ex addict about ordinary life from a Buddhist perspective.

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