“Either/or” vs. “And…and” part 1
I keep thinking about what I think are the differences between people who relapse as opposed to people who don’t.
This is made more difficult by the fact that I use myself as a frame of reference, so I may just be projecting myself into the theories.
However, there is one thing that keeps nagging at me, because I think it is especially important, maybe not only to addicts, but to people in general as they grow up and (hopefully) mature.
I’m still groping to find the words that describe what I want to say, so bear with me.
Addicts, as a rule are very black and white minded. At least, every one of I have met is. We tend to want the life to be totally split up into either/or statements.
“Either you like me, or you are my enemy”
“Either I stop drinking easily, or I am am a failure”
“”Either I get to my job on time every day, or I don’t go at all”
There is no room for any shade of grey. Grey is felt as not being able to make a solid commitment. Grey is inferior and flip-flopping.
There is a strong moral component in not wanting to go into the grey area. Speaking for myself, the black and white issue has to do with wanting to be perfect, and an urge to control every aspect of existence.You know where you stand with either black or white. Somehow it felt “dishonest” to be grey. It also felt as though I wasn’t able to make choices, which would prove I had no backbone and hence was a weakling.
Now, after almost a year(!) I want to put forward the notion that it is absolutely vital to make the transition from an “Either/or” state of mind to an “And…and” way of thinking.
“You don’t like me; some people do”
“Not drinking is hard; that’s why I am working at it”
“I didn’t get to work on time today; I will do so tomorrow”
“And…and” thinking is not a weakness, it is a way of describing the world that takes a wider view. One fact, taken in isolation, can not be used to make statements about the whole world.
The fact that you got late to work does not mean it isn’t worth the effort to not go at all. It just means you got late to work today. It doesn’t say anything about tomorrow, it doesn’t say anything about how the rest of the day will unfold, and it doesn’t say anything about what kind of person you are. Yet addicts make these leaps of thought every day.
It’s a very childlike way of looking at the world.
“Either I agree with you, or you won’t like me” vs. “I disagree with you. Here is your coffee.”
Leaving behind “Either/or” thinking is very important, I feel and think, because it gets you into all kinds of trouble. You constantly have to live up to things that the world just won’t let you get away with. Also, it’s just not true, so you are “inventing” trouble. I say “invent” with some reserve, as it is usually not a voluntary act, but a hardwired reaction, which is difficult to change.
If you want to change this, you need to learn to look at the world in a different way. You will need to learn what connections you can make and which are just not there. The period in between is one of confusion and doubt, in which nothing seems to be connected anymore. You also will need to add priorities to consequences. What is important in a given situation, and what isn’t relevant at all?
Yesterday, I found out a person living above me was throwing things into my garden. A year ago, I would have found it difficult to confront him, as that would mean, in my view, that he would not like me anymore (as if I even knew him in the first place!)
“If you don’t like me, you are my enemy”
There are plenty of other ways to look at this that make much more sense like: “You are throwing things in my garden. I don’t like that” and “I want a clean garden. Don’t throw stuff into it”. These are all relevant to the issue.
The fact that he wouldn’t like me, isn’t part of the problem, at all!
Oh by the way, he grumbled a bit, but he has stopped (for now).
Writing this, I think it is even a bit larger than I thought. The examples I gave about “Either/or” are all thinly disguised statements about either relationships and self-image, whereas the “And…and” ones are statements that are much more neutral. I may want to explore that a bit. If you have any comments on it, feel free to discuss. As said, I am still groping here. Comments in Dutch are ok, too.
So, those are my thoughts of the weekend. They are also part of coming friday. The head of the clinic has asked me to fill about 30 minutes on my “birthday” when I will go to deliver cake to the people staying there, and I want to seem at least a bit coherent. Of course, I probably won’t use it in this form, but the old control bug is difficult to eradicate, so I will be thinking about this all week, and then probably end up just doing what feels natural.
Anyway, that’s enough for now. Any thoughts would be helpful. Books and articles are very welcome, too.
Have a great day.
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This entry was posted on Monday, August 24th, 2009 at 11:37 and is filed under Addiction, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
I never had an addiction to alcohol (I think :) ). I never had a truly firm grasp on what is connected. I only had phases were I needed to believe I did. I found great peace when I realized; All I need in life is a supermarket.
See :) !