I can’t believe what happened…
A lot of things have happened this week.
Most important probably is the news I got that there has been no reaction to the official letters my biological mother has received over the past three months.
In practice this means that the search is now over and there will be no more attempts from the agency to facilitate contact. For whatever reason she has decided not to answer and so I have to assume she is not interesting in contact with me.
So, what now?
Well, basically I have two options, and neither of them sits well with me, to tell the truth.
I can either abandon the idea of ever knowing who my “mother” is, or I can use other methods to get to meet her.
The first makes me very sad and frustrated, and the second has the chance of completely backfiring and ruining a few lives as well. To be quite honest, at this moment I am very disturbed and angry and my basic feeling is that I was born from one of the biggest responsibility avoiding cowards ever to be born on the face of the earth. I do however realise, even though it is no help at this point, that there are a lot of valid reasons for her not to want this.
So I’m going to do the only thing I can think of at this moment and that is talk, wait, analyse, be angry and not take any rash steps. The one thing I do know is that the last thing I want is to cause more damage than already has been done, however painful that may be. As I said to my mum on the phone yesterday, I won’t die over this. More to follow, I’m sure.
Second, and more positive, is that I have found one of the largest causes of my irritations during the last months, and it turns out to be a silly one, albeit a classic one. It boils down to the fact that I have been making my standards absolute standards which I felt others should adhere to. The basic underlying sentence to most of my irritations turns out to be “I can’t BELIEVE they can do this?” And I mostly really can’t believe or understand why people display some kinds of behaviour.
But, and it is quite a large but, that doesn’t mean I have to get irritated. That’s rather arrogant and more than a little childish.
This may sound very anticlimactic, but it gave me some air to breathe again. I’m now able to see the absurd in the irritation and that deflates most of the tension it caused. I still may think that some people are behaving boorishly or stupidly, but I can appreciate these are my judgements and it’s pointless to expect the world to be the way I want it. Whew.
So, tension gained and tension lost in this week. I hope it evens out.
Have a good day!
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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 12th, 2009 at 21:31 and is filed under Daily, Emotions, Musings, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Dude, you are completely wrong. Your mother cannot be the biggest responsibility avoiding coward. It’s simply impossible for twó reasons. I’m a man, and I’m younger than you.